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Deep breath, center, and move on

closeup photo of white petaled flowers
Photo by Valeria Boltneva on

It’s been quite a whirlwind of events in the past 6 weeks or so, hence the radio silence for the past two weeks. It was so hard not to get swept away by the speed and ferocity of events and emotions. In short, I feel like I’ve been flushed down the loo, and run white water rapids with nothing to protect me except my own will to survive! I never knew till now, just how physical grief can be.

If you’re a bit wobbly about reading stuff to do with women’s issues, skip this paragraph! Ok – so a hormone surge appeared out of the blue. The girls (ovary 1 and 2) have been dormant for two years but had an impromptu party, leaving me with the mess to clean up in the form of a couple of egg-sized boob cysts, spectacular hot flushes (honestly, I put out more heat than a massive radiator!) and galloping health anxiety. In spite of reassurance from a variety of healthcare professionals that I am fit and healthy , I still felt I was going to expire… the worst incident happened in the middle of our nearest city, on a Saturday, trying to do Christmas shopping. I felt weak, wobbly, racing heart, hot, cold and ready to cry. Fortunately Mr D wasn’t too far away (he was shopping solo for a surprise for me) and met me with a big hug.

So – if you skipped the last paragraph I have had a few health issues and one anxiety attack in the middle of Christmas shopping. Mr D has been a star throughout all of this, while coping with his own troubles on the work front… those of you who follow this blog will have read yesterday’s One-liner Wednesday and know how badly he’s been treated by his company. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband. Things came to a head on Monday morning, the funeral of my old friend. I didn’t attend as it was for close family only. Once again, tears flowed freely and I let them. The dog got a super-long walk that lunchtime and I think I must have thoroughly bent God’s ear as I walked and talked to Him. I felt better, like I’d turned a corner at last.

Today I had a session with a Tui Na masseur who also happens to be a Reiki master. In between the exquisite pain of pressure points being pressed and released, he was able to tell me he felt I had gone through an emotionally painful time but that my body was indicating it was near the end of processing everything and to keep pushing on towards the finishing line. This is amazing advice considering the charity wrist band I was given by a man selling them in the city while I was having the anxiety attack. It reads ‘Never give up!!!’. As the man placed the band on my hand he held it, looked into my eyes and told me everything would be ok… just stop and breathe deeply. So I did…. I followed the advice of the angel in disguise and the panic reduced.

I have one last piece of self-care to do – I contacted my lovely psychologist, gave her the potted history of the last 8 weeks and agreed a time to talk it all out. After that, dear readers, I guess I will be able to close the door on this episode in my life, hopefully much wiser from the experience. Time will tell.

Thank you for stopping by xx


Blog Posts

Delightful display of nature

Gorgeous wild flowers

You know that expression “Be careful what you wish for…”? Well it more or less applies to my dog walking experience yesterday but my experience was breathtakingly beautiful

To give you some background, I am now nearly two years post-menopausal. If I thought the changes happening to me during perimenopause were disruptive, they’re nothing compared to the post-menopausal changes!

Some of these changes are well-known. Hot flushes and night sweats have me reaching for a fan and a change of clothing/bedding. Yoga helps with the worst of stiff and aching joints. But who knew about some of the other more obscure changes? Where’s the manual on this? Googling things is such a bad idea as the first set of results usually indicate one’s imminent demise.

Since February this year I developed some odd eye problems. My vision remained steady but occasionally I saw flashes of light, little crescent shapes, almost as like the after effects of flash photography. Incidentally, at the same time, I started taking a statin on the advice of my family doctor. She was concerned with my total cholesterol level and insisted on me starting these new tablets.

I don’t normally read the patient information leaflets. They are scary things and only to be read if something unusual happens. I considered the flashes as unusual, and on reading the leaflet, discovered that visual disturbances were on the list of side effects. Minutes later I had an appointment booked with the optician. My eyes were thoroughly checked inside and out. Every test came back normal. Phew. No signs of retinal detachment, burst blood vessels, low/high eyeball pressure. Everything was normal. So why was I seeing these blooming flashes?

I wondered if they were connected with the menopause and it turns out they are. Oh great! On the one hand, my eyes passed their exams with flying colours, on the other hand menopause has seen fit to bless me with another disturbing thing. Over the past months the occurrences have decreased to almost nothing but I’m left with a little floater and the impression of a gossamer web drifting when my eyes dart around.

More check-ups revealed my eyes are still tickety-boo but not one doc asked about my hormonal state? I have had to do all the research (medical and anecdotal). The answers are there in medical journals and the anecdotal evidence in there on menopause forums. Countless women, scared to death that they are losing their sight, all being checked by medical professionals, all fine, but not getting any answers. Grrrr!

So back to the dog walk. As some of you may know, the annual Hay House World Summit is on at the moment. I listened to an audio broadcast by Lorna Byrne on how our Guardian Angels help us. Mulling this over, I set off with Molly for our lunchtime walk. In the middle of her favourite field, I spoke out loud to my angel and asked for help with getting to grips with my eyes. Within minutes I was surrounded by butterflies. Orange-tips, brimstones, and tortoiseshells. Bumblebees joined the throng, and a robin sang its heart out.

I felt a peace I have not felt in months, and a sense of being looked after. Call it what you will, I know my angel was with me and my request for help has been answered. I don’t know what form the help will take, but it’s enough to know that it’s in hand.





To be clear, this post is simply about what happens to me. It is not medical or metaphysical advice, and if you are at all concerned with any signs and symptoms you have, you should do what feels right for you, whether that’s consulting a doctor or other practitioner. You have choices so use them wisely.