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Deep breath, center, and move on

closeup photo of white petaled flowers
Photo by Valeria Boltneva on

It’s been quite a whirlwind of events in the past 6 weeks or so, hence the radio silence for the past two weeks. It was so hard not to get swept away by the speed and ferocity of events and emotions. In short, I feel like I’ve been flushed down the loo, and run white water rapids with nothing to protect me except my own will to survive! I never knew till now, just how physical grief can be.

If you’re a bit wobbly about reading stuff to do with women’s issues, skip this paragraph! Ok – so a hormone surge appeared out of the blue. The girls (ovary 1 and 2) have been dormant for two years but had an impromptu party, leaving me with the mess to clean up in the form of a couple of egg-sized boob cysts, spectacular hot flushes (honestly, I put out more heat than a massive radiator!) and galloping health anxiety. In spite of reassurance from a variety of healthcare professionals that I am fit and healthy , I still felt I was going to expire… the worst incident happened in the middle of our nearest city, on a Saturday, trying to do Christmas shopping. I felt weak, wobbly, racing heart, hot, cold and ready to cry. Fortunately Mr D wasn’t too far away (he was shopping solo for a surprise for me) and met me with a big hug.

So – if you skipped the last paragraph I have had a few health issues and one anxiety attack in the middle of Christmas shopping. Mr D has been a star throughout all of this, while coping with his own troubles on the work front… those of you who follow this blog will have read yesterday’s One-liner Wednesday and know how badly he’s been treated by his company. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband. Things came to a head on Monday morning, the funeral of my old friend. I didn’t attend as it was for close family only. Once again, tears flowed freely and I let them. The dog got a super-long walk that lunchtime and I think I must have thoroughly bent God’s ear as I walked and talked to Him. I felt better, like I’d turned a corner at last.

Today I had a session with a Tui Na masseur who also happens to be a Reiki master. In between the exquisite pain of pressure points being pressed and released, he was able to tell me he felt I had gone through an emotionally painful time but that my body was indicating it was near the end of processing everything and to keep pushing on towards the finishing line. This is amazing advice considering the charity wrist band I was given by a man selling them in the city while I was having the anxiety attack. It reads ‘Never give up!!!’. As the man placed the band on my hand he held it, looked into my eyes and told me everything would be ok… just stop and breathe deeply. So I did…. I followed the advice of the angel in disguise and the panic reduced.

I have one last piece of self-care to do – I contacted my lovely psychologist, gave her the potted history of the last 8 weeks and agreed a time to talk it all out. After that, dear readers, I guess I will be able to close the door on this episode in my life, hopefully much wiser from the experience. Time will tell.

Thank you for stopping by xx


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One-liner Wednesday – on being observant

“The universe is always speaking to us … sending us little messages, causing coincidences and serendipities, reminding us to stop, look around, to believe in something else, something more.” – Nancy Thayer.

Today’s midweek pause for thought was brought to you by the lovely Linda G Hill and her One-liner Wednesday prompt. Click here to find out how to join in the fun.

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One-liner Wednesday – Carpe Diem!

Take chances Life is for living. My old friend (terminally ill and nearing the end) has advised me to blooming well Carpe the living daylights out of every Diem I’m blessed with. Who am I to argue?
Visit the amazing Linda G Hill for more info on joining in the mid-week fun. one-liner-wednesday-badge-2018-19
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From Meh to Motivated!

After a super-hectic weekend, in which I got nothing done on my to-do list, but kept lots of other people happy, I woke up feeling very grumpy and Monday-morningish!

‘Argh! It can’t be 7:00am already… snooze button time.’

What seemed like seconds later –

‘Just one more snooze.’

Nanoseconds later –

‘Nooooo. I need another hour.’

‘Never mind an hour. I need a whole extra Sunday!’ muttered Mr D, buried under pillows and the duvet.

After dragging ourselves vertical, washing, dressing and sorting out the over-enthusiastic pup, Mr D and I were huddled round the breakfast bar with a much needed coffee to hand. With a deep breath, Mr D plunged into his working day, unlike me. I still wasn’t ready to log in.

I have a morning ritual of sorts, things I like to do before I crack on with the paid work.

  • Check in with my rose quartz pendulum
  • Use my pendulum to help select crystals to assist me during the day
  • Select a card from my Angel Oracle deck as a guiding principle for the day
  • Write up the day plan in my Yoga Greatness journal (this bit might involve a gratitude list, an inspiration list and definitely an affirmation list)

This morning I went off piste a little and changed decks to use Earth Magic cards. I wasn’t planning a three card reading (past, present, future) but the deck had other ideas and three fell out as I was shuffling them. And what an inspiring draw!

As a woman just freshly post-menopausal, the Dragonfly Card is so apt. It speaks of intense and rapid change necessary for the next cycle of my life. It also advises going gracefully with the flow into the next stage instead of trying to hold onto the past. Note to self – chillax!

The second card, Spring Equinox, refers to rebirth following challenging times.. Well that’s an understatement, considering what weird and scary symptoms the menopause can generate. Mostly it feels like they might never end. However, this card reminds me to stay string and have faith, the next phase is going to be amazing.

The third card, Dreamtime is almost teasing me. I’d love to be able to sleep well enough to dream, but I’m regularly awake at 3am, unable to fall asleep again. On the occasional night I do sleep well, I don’t remember dreaming. Still, I could try some yoga nidra to get into a state of very deep relaxation. The card advises me to pay attention to any images, sounds, or feeling that pop up during deep relaxation/dreaming, as they will provide a pathway to new creative expression.

Well, with a card draw like that there’s no way I could stay Monday morningish for long. Mind you, I needed a second cuppa to help me avoid a state of deep relaxation (full on snore-fest) during my first online meeting of the day!

Wishing you all a motivating Monday.

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Hidden blessings

As you may know from a previous post, I been put in contact with an old flame. It turns out that he is in his final few months of life after a major battle with melanoma and secondaries.

We’ve exchanged a few email but these have dried up somewhat due to him going through what he calls a rough patch. All this has left me feeling quite raw and emotional. From the couple of emails he’s written it seems there is an ex-wife, an ex-partner and a twenty year old child in his life since we parted. Communication with the two ex-partners is limited but at least his daughter has decided to stay with him so I know he’s not entirely on his own.

So what is my role in all this? I’ve no idea but I get the feeling he needs to feel ok that we split up the way we did. He may need to know that I look back on our time together with nothing but fondness, and I count him as a blessing in my life.

He helped me to know what I wanted in a partner so that when I did find “the one” I’d know it. And I did. Of course I snogged many a frog on the way to finding my prince, but find him I did. Literally within days of meeting Mr D I knew he was “the one”… and still is to this day.

Thank you Mr T xx

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One-liner Wednesday – out of darkness, into light

Faith, it’s said, can move mountains. – Matthew 17:20

After yesterday’s miraculous rescue of the Thai boys and their coach, it can also achieve the seemingly impossible.

How wonderful to see what we humans can achieve when we work in synergy, becoming greater than the sum of the individual parts we play.

It moved me to tears of joy when the last rescuer was safely out of the caves. My heart goes out to the family and friends of Saman Gunan. The death of such a skilled diver made the rescue seem all the more impossible, and yet, here we are today, celebrating success.

If I write much more in this topic I’ll be awash in mascara-streaked tears again.

Wishing you all a blessed Wednesday xx

This emotional post is part of Linda G Hill’s weekly One-liner Wednesday challenge. Pop over, read the guidelines and join in the fun.


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All things come to an end…

… and so it is with therapy with my trusted psychologist. Dr Croskin has been more than a psychologist during my transition into post-menopause. She has been my spiritual guru, my menopause buddy (been through it all herself) and occasionally my gardening guru.

During my treatment-

I have learned to stop fighting with myself and to go with the flow.

I have learned to share my feelings with my family (not something that comes naturally to me).

I have learned how to work with Dr Croskin instead of folding my metaphorical arms and being stubborn.

I have learned to be brave and talk through my childhood and early adult trauma… better out than in.

And finally, and most importantly, I have learned to have faith. Faith in God and faith in myself.

I feel a Nanny McPhee quote coming on –

“When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go.”

So here I am, ready for this afternoon’s penultimate visit, filled with mixed emotions. On one hand I do not need Dr Croskin’s help anymore and I am so proud of how far I have come since the first day I walked into her consulting room. On the other, I will miss our weekly visits and am filled with sadness that they are coming to an end. I know that I can pop back to see her in the future if I feel I need to, like a safety net, but I am still a little scared to fly solo.

During my last visit I was given homework – to work out what scares me about therapy coming to an end. I’ve had two weeks to think about it. I’m running out of time and my homework is due in a few hours – I got nothing!!

I don’t think I am scared, just sad, and I don’t know why I feel sad. I should be elated.

I’d welcome anyone else’s insight please!

Wishing you all a fabulous Friday Eve!

Cath xx