Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
Douglas Adams
You know the old saying – time flies when you’re having fun? Well, it also flies when you’re not having so much fun. This is contrary to my life experience thus far.
Time has dragged when doing exams, waiting for results, planes, trains and the end of the working day. We can agree these are not fun times. It flies when you’re finally on holiday, at a great party or concert, or simply enjoying a favourite pastime. In all of these cases time has behaved as expected.
Over the past 12 months time has been seriously misbehaving. It’s fair to say that 2021 has been a year of lockdowns, gradual returns to some semblance of normality, and learning to live with the invisible enemy, COVID19. For my family and me it has been a year of firsts. First birthdays with Mum, first Mother’s Day when I didn’t send cards, gifts and flowers. First anniversaries of her passing and burial. It seems no time at all since the actual event happened, yet here we are, a year on. Time has flown faster than expected, given the sad nature of events.
I’m not sure how I got through it all, and I seem to be reliving it all again, a time loop. I have a theory on this. At the time of extremely sad events like the loss of a parent, we function just enough to get from one day to the next, to take care of the endless admin that accompanies this loss and give our loved ones a good send-off. As time passes and you approach each ‘first’, we now have the mental space and time to deal with the emotional distress we could barely keep a lid on at the time.
The important thing for me has been to not get frightened of this time loop. I think it is the mind’s way of sorting through the memories, of remembering it all, but without the overwhelming physical sensations and emotions felt at the time. I’ll not pretend this has been easy, and at first I thought I was becoming clinically depressed. However, a quick chat with my psychologist friend (I call her occasionally just to check in and make sure I’m not sliding down a rabbit-hole of doom) and it turns out I’m doing fine. Who knew? Not me. I needed the reassurance that I am simply healing from the past events. Phew.
Whilst time does indeed fly when you’re having fun, drag when something yucky is on the horizon, it can behave itself and help you heal from past traumas. So cheers to giving yourself time and space to deal with whatever you need to deal with, and cheers to time healing wounds. The trick is to have patience.
And breathe! Remember to breathe. Definitely helps.
It’s been ages since I last wrote a post for this site, other than super-short One-liner Wednesdays. My creative mind just couldn’t deal with much more than a few sentences. I think it’s managed to bust through the block. It certainly feels like something has shifted.
For those of you new to Menopausal Mutterings, you might want to wander through the older posts from when I was perimenopausal. It might explain a few things. Then again, maybe not. You have choices 🙂
Thank you to my new followers and thanks to all for sticking with me through hell and high water.
Bless you all.
Cath xx
cathdean.com 